EnderandhisGame

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Thu, 28 Feb 2008 08:07:15 GMT

So, I wanna get this out of the way.

The only reason I'm writing in this is cause I think I have a lot on my mind. And I cant sleep. And maybe getting all this shit out will help.

My life is pretty great. Im graduating soon. I have an amazing job. Ill have an internship at my dream job soon. And I never have to sleep alone unless I want to.

So why all this clutter in my head?

I threw away all the remaining vestiges of Maureen. Everything that I kept, all the notes, the presents and pictures. All gone. And its way overdue. It should have been done 6 months ago. Probably longer. I can say with a good amount of honesty that I'm happy this way. And I've been realizing all the things I should have about myself and that relationship years ago. And it wasn't all hers or mine it was both. And it was time to move on.

I also need to stop all this sleeping around. Im gonna focus on Abbey. Shes the one. Shes always been there for me. I went to her when I need someone. Shes the one. I think I love her. Like forever love her.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 05:44:00 GMT

SO,
Things Ive done over spring break:
Grown a beard, which by the way makes me look like obi-wan-kenobi
Gone paintballing
Played at least 100 hours worth of video games
Made some new friends
Not changed my contacts
Set my surgrey date, both of them
All in all its been an okay break, but now that time is over
time to get back to work.

BOUCH!

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 05:09:28 GMT

Oh man.
So, break is awesome.
I didnt actaully go paintballing with alex on sat but thats ok
cause I was sickly and so was Alex
But anyways, Not thinking about Maureen is actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. Not that I dont its just easy. maybe because I keep telling myself shes beyond my reach and that I can no longer have her, or wont have another chance because of the stupid shit ive done. But all in all its been a week since weve talked and I feel damn proud of myself. I mean I miss her, I just dont think about her.
Anyways, Im going to visit Jenna in two weeks and I get the errie feeling shes trying to set me up with someone. Oh well.
BOUCH!!

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 07:03:45 GMT

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 07:45:43 GMT

You know that feeling in your gut that tells you to just shut your fucken mouth?
I dont have that.
Or
Any sort of common sense.
I am just one big fucking waste of mass and time.
I am the dumbest dumb person ever.
I really really dont deserve to exist.
Or get this girl...again
or do anything for that matter.
If there were ever a time when I need to just be alone and think about what Ive done, Its now.
A time to just realize that I have offically lost the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with...again. It would be now.
So, I plan on working and sitting alone in my apartment just being the worst guy ever.
I was almost there.
And god damnit I am a changed man.
I really fucken have changed.
And I shold have shown that today.
FUCK

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 20:39:28 GMT

30th of April, seems like yesterday.
We bought a house above the ocean
where our kids could laugh and play.

I called you from Paris
to tell you that I wrote our names on the observation deck
of the Eiffel Tower.

Remember those nights,
playing "Summer wind" on the juke box of the bar we used to go.
We made out in the bathroom and you walked me to my house,
I tried to convince you not to go home.

If only i had more time, I'd take you where you wanted to go.
Italy isn't the same without you here.
If only I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes
that I could spend with you...
Fall in love with you again and again.

1st of November, 1998.
I was thinking of what to say when I could call.
Denise come over to my house, cuz you're the one for me.
We'll drink cheap wine and watch more shooting stars.

Remember our first apartment?
Our couch was never big enough for two.
Still, we'd fall asleep in eachother's arms and wake up on the floor.
Now looking back it was made for me and you.

If only I had more time, I'd take you where you wanted to go.
Japan is really nice this time of year.
If only I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes
that I could spend with you...
Fall in love with you again and again.

If only I had more time...
England isn't the same without you here
If only I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes
that I could spend with you...
Fall in love with you again and again.

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 22:15:22 GMT

When I get my hands on you I'll
Slit your throat with a dull knife
I'll put my hand on the wound
So you wont die to soon and
I"ll put my knee on your chest
And squeeze out your final breath
I'll look deep in your eyes
So you know just who did this to you
I'lll hang you inside of my house
So people passing by can see your corpse and
Understand that you got just what you deserve.

I've Got To Admit Its Getting Better...Gettin Better All The Time

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 05:45:04 GMT

So,
Things are finally looking up.
School is great.
Friends are abound
And my lady is amazing.
Spending friday at her place
Then on sat, off to Six Flags with her.
Then the following week, Im off to my new place.
Sweetness.

So

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 07:18:53 GMT

So theres this woman.
Shes amazing.
We have so much in common, and shes beautiful and smart and hilaious.
And I like her enough to not imedeiately want to sleep with her.
I dunno what this is but I like it.

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 06:55:25 GMT

Hmmm
Lets see,
Mental breakdown + The person you loved telling you they want you to let go of them = A far far worse mental breakdown and a broken heart and deep deep depression

Solution: Two beautiful women, each helping me in their own ways.

Two beautiful women making me feel better + Your ex no longer torturing you = Best Day Ever.

So

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 05:13:14 GMT

So its been a long time since ive been here.
and its been a busy week
finals
Good news and badnews
Good news: Spent the night with Lauren (she hogs the bed and covers and grabs hair)
I have a new address 443 West Wrightwood apt 906 Bitches
Bad news: Everyone is leaving for break and Alex is visitng Jenna. And its Rosh hashana, I hate the high holy days. I think god hates me, but I think ill just hate him back, it seems to work.
Really wish I had a drink tonight.
That or that machine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that makes you forget people.

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 05:28:24 GMT

So
I just got off the phone with Lauren
After 2 hours of conversation. Wow.
I like her, I like her alot.
We talked about everything
It doesnt matter
What matters is that I havent had a really good, fun conversation like that with someone in a long time. And thats awesome. I feel like I can talk to her about anything. She laughs at my jokes and I laugh at hers. Its really amazing. There are some interesting parallels between our experiances with our exs its really weird. But anyways
I dont know what Im feeling here but its a good feeling.
I just want to be around her and with her.
Well at least she wants to be with me too, which is more than I can say for someone who suposedly loves me.
Great night, great conversation
Im Out.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 05:02:50 GMT

Best Night Ever.
I feel like Superman.
Nothing and No one can hurt me.
And yes that includes you Maureen.
To that special girl, you know who you are...
Youre amazing. I feel 10ft tall when Im with you even though were the same height.
Best Fucken Night Ever.
Im Out

Im tryin, Im tryin real hard

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 06:13:41 GMT

Im scared
Im real scared of what im feeling
It used to be that if she had told me she was going to a frat party I would have been real upset and real depressed. But lately, when she tells me stuff like that Im finding it easier and easier to just let stuff like that just slide. Like im going numb. What does that mean? does that mean that shes going to just fade from my life? that my feelings for her will disapear? On one hand my life would be alot easier and I wouldnt hurt as much. On the other I dont want my love for her to end. This sucks, but its happening, one day at a time. I wonder if shes feeling this too, or if shes always had this. She was always there for me, and that’s all I needed. Just her. For some reason, I didn’t feel sad or broken up, it just didn’t seem real. But slowly I realized it was real - that she was gone. And little by little, I slowly felt something inside me go numb

Your Bestfriend Is Not Your Girlfriend

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 07:15:44 GMT

Ugh
It feels like my stomach is filled with acid.
and I feel like im gonna puke any second.
All because of a few broads.
One Ive lost.
One I cant win.
Im real glad Maureen and I arent dating while shes at college. She told me she met a guy and went to a frat party, and then walked around with this guy. Im not sure if anything happened and it isnt any of my business if anything did happen but...Im getting all wound up about it and I shouldnt be. If we were dating the jealously would drive me insane. Hell, it already has. But this is easier than Im making it seem. Its like shes away at camp only we can call each other and talk regularly. I just need to keep telling myself that she doesnt love me and I dont love her. It makes the jealousy easier to bare. I dont know if I should visit her, Its probably not the smartest thing if I want to get over her. I dont lover her. She doesnt Love me. Shes over me. She does not care whether she hurts me. Most of this probably isnt true but it makes it easier.
The other, well, thats just plain frustrating. We would honestly never work out anyways. She still in love with another guy. And she always will be. So I should really just stop trying. Ugh
Why does she have to do this, act like she loves me, tell me she needs some loving? Its just salt in the wound. I wouldnt date her even if she wanted to. She would only cheat on me. This is ridiculous. Jesus Im depressed. To be quite honest, it feels good for her to need me for once. its too bad that things couldnt be like this for the past six months. No sense dwelling on the past. She doesnt. Id better stop before I say something stupid. Probabyl too late

It Hurts

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 06:34:57 GMT

The Woman I Love with everything I have is about to walk out of my life and Im being such a douche bag even at the end. How can I be such an asshole? Why do I do this to her? I really am insane. And I want the best thing for her, and the best thing for her is to leave me. Jesus This hurts. This is the worst pain ive ever felt. ever. Something is wrong with me. I need help. I belive you. I belive every word you say. When you tell me you love me, when you say well see eachother again. All of it. Im just gonna miss you so much. Your my better half and I never told you. Youre everything that was good in me and I dont know who I am without you. I need to know. Things wont ever be the same after this. Shell be different. Ill be different. You need to belive me too. When I say that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever met. That when I look at you I stop and think about how lucky I am to have even met you let alone dated you. That there is nothing wrong with you, and that I cant even describe how much I love you, and how pretty you are, and how much youve changed me and shaped who I am. That when you smile and wink at me it makes me feel ten thousand feet tall even though im only 5'7. How that whenever Im with you I want time to stop and just be there with you. That you could just have gotten home from working out and be all sweaty and ill still want to hug you and be with you. That your kiss makes my heart beat a thousand times per second and make my knees go weak. That you speak french beautifully. That your body is so amazing that im running out of words to describe it. That if I had a second chance I would be a different person with her, that I would appreciate her, and love her, give her her space, and anything else she needed. Theres alot more but Id rather tell you in person. Im so sorry for how Ive acted lately. Ive never fully apreciated you and I am truly sorry. Im going to miss you probably more than anyone here. I Love You.

And I don't know
And I can't guess
If it's gonna be OK
But now my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 18:21:00 GMT

What Kind of woman is she?
Ordinary
The kind of dangerous, beautiful ordinary
That you just cant leave alone

Ups and Downs

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 05:31:27 GMT

Ive Fucked things up again
With everything
I hope that Alexs birthday cheers me up.
I dont know what to do.

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 06:57:04 GMT

Hmmm
Not sure what to do, about several things.
Mo and I have resolved to be friends and fool around occasionally well see
Her Livejournal depresses me though.
But Lauren is coming over tommorow, which should be awesome I need some company.
Ill ask Mo some questions later. Maybe.
I missed lauren, shes someone I can talk to when I cant talk to anyone else. I can talk to her about anything. Well see how tommorow goes.

What A Great Actress

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 05:00:55 GMT

Ugh
Sometimes I think I would have been better off if I had just let go of Mo altogether. Just cut her out of my life completely. Blocked her aim name, Erased her phone number, all of it. The more I think about it the more I like the idea. She is extremely frustrating. She cant even admit to a few things. I can barely talk to her without getting a snappy response about how things arent any of my business. Sure I can understand that, but I do care about her, and...I dont even know anymore. I wonder if she can think of one time recently where she hasent used me, whether its to boost her self-confidence or to do some random favor. She even had the balls to ask me to ask her ex to come outside! That takes balls. Oh well, you think people change and they just end up being the same heartless person they were before. You also think people love you genuinely but its only when its convenient to them. I drive all the way out to Michigan to get her and she tells me how much it meant, but I guess that was just another one of her "oh andrew thanks so much" while crying tricks. I wont believe her ever again. Your a great actress Mo.

Lauren read my last live journal, I know shes reading this one too. I really care about her, Shes an amazing person. But I dont know how long I can be around her and have to keep my mouth shut when she talks to that douchebag. That really bugs me. Shes "dumped him" yet he still has control over her. Whatever.

Boom, Boom, Boom

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 04:37:56 GMT

So...
My computer is pissing me off so im writtin this from my laptop which is directly plugged into the modem which is a bitch. anyways...
Lots of stuff happening.
Mo and I are talking alot which I think is good. Its fun.
Work is steadily getting harder, while school is gettin more fun
The war of all ages is coming on sat, which should be amazing where going paintballing so thats an all day bonanza.
Lauren and I are getting closer, little scared about that, but well have to see. This thing must take its course.

Ok...Go

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 20:01:02 GMT

So,
Im real tired. I had to work last night. And then I went out to Dinner with Lauren at Flat Top which was real good. She likes sea food, which is amazing cause I dont know many girls who do. Anyway, now i have to get ready for class and prep for the next two weekends. Alexs Birthday and Mos coming home. I think im gonna be real busy. Id like to see her, I think she needs some cheering up. Ready...Set...Go

Who I Am Hates Who Ive been

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 03:23:29 GMT

Good Weekend.
Jenna had her birthday, which was awesome. Ive got some computer upgrades, and I cant wait to move into my new place, which is right near the Zoo! I hope Mo is ok, She is in a bit of trouble, I thought she was hurt. I dont know what I would do if something happened to her. If anyone had hurt her, nothing in this world would have stopped me from killing those responsible. It just made me think about a few things. This week should be dull though, oh well here it goes...

Tacos Tacos Tacos

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 00:00:06 GMT

So

In todays news. My stomach is bleeding. I broke the incision and its been bleeding for a couple days now. Should I be concernicus?
Anyway, yester day I went over to Laurens place and we made Tacos for dinner. It was alot of fun since I hadnt made tacos since...ever. we talked alot about realtionships and stuff. shes a great person. And they are showing old school movies at millenium park so i think ill go do that. right now. see ya.

Maureen, your my Kryptonaughty

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 05:33:28 GMT

So it begins, The next phase of my life.
And I have to start now.
With her.
With you.
I have to let you go and love you at the same time
What a tangled web we weave.
I am going to let you go.
But its when you say things like this:

"Why do things have to change?
How come things can't be like when he had that first surgery, and I went to his house and he was all drugged up and was talking about north virginia and told me I spoke french pretty. When I would look at him and just cry because I loved him so much.
What did I do?
Why did I have to ruin that?"

It makes it real hard.
Probably the hardest thing ill ever have to do.

Alex and Laurens Birthdays are coming up. Those should be fun.
Lauren is great, since we are both coming out serious relationships we have alot in common. We have alot to talk about and shes a real good person. We give each other advice, its pretty fun. She invited me to a few parties, I think ill go to theses. We need them.

This is it.
Goodbye.